


I blew things out of proportion (and now you're blue)

by heartsocold



Series: Requests, Prompts and Drabbles [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Merlin is going through it, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:40:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,902
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27737803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartsocold/pseuds/heartsocold
Summary: Merlin is genuinely furious with Arthur and threatens to quit and leave.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Series: Requests, Prompts and Drabbles [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2028964
Comments: 16
Kudos: 257





	I blew things out of proportion (and now you're blue)

Merlin’s tired. He’s sick and tired and so done with everyone and everything including Arthur and their stupid destiny. 

He’s been trying his goddamn hardest to protect the ungrateful prat since the very first day he set foot into Camelot. He works day and night, literally pushing himself to the brim, just to make sure Arthur is safe and happy and healthy.

He’s covered for Arthur more times than he can count - either earning himself a stay in the stocks or the dungeons. He’s cleaned his room, brought him his food (which he always tests for poison, not that Arthur would know), washed all his smelly clothes, helped him get dressed, shined his armour, wrote his speeches, sharpened his sword, mucked out his stables and he’s been the training dummy for all of the knights to attack on a daily basis. Not to mention the fact that he’s been helping Gaius collect herbs or visit patients or clean that horrible leech tank. 

Of course, in addition to all this, he’s been practicing more spells and trying his hardest to eliminate any new threats to the newly ascended King.

It’s not like he minds, honestly. It’s been years now and Arthur’s essentially his best friend, even if he says that it’s beneath him to be friends with a servant. He would willingly give his life for Arthur and he knows that Arthur would do the same for him. 

On a usual day, none of these things would bother Merlin. He doesn’t need Arthur to know everything he does for him. He doesn’t need Arthur to do something extravagant to show that he cares about him.

But today isn’t a usual day. It’s been a long few weeks and Merlin’s exhausted and he misses his mum. All he really wants is to just stop for a moment and curl up by fire where it’s warm and relaxing and he can just  _ breathe _ . Just for a moment.

He doesn’t want to think about the fact that Agravaine is undoubtedly a backstabbing traitor. He doesn’t want to think about the imminent war Morgana will be heading. He doesn’t want to think about how harsh the winter will be to the people in Ealdor - to his mother. He doesn’t want to think about the way Arthur blindly follows his uncle, allowing him to fill his head with nonsense, simply because Agravaine is all he has left of his family. He doesn’t want to think about Lancelot being dead - about him sacrificing himself so that Merlin could live. He doesn’t want to think about how easily replaceable he is to Arthur. That even now, after all these years, he still remembers how much it hurt that Arthur had been so quick to let Cedric take his place.

He remembers telling Gaius, all those years ago, that he wanted Arthur to see him for who he was. He wanted him to understand that he would do anything for him. That he lived for him. Even now, that’s still true. Sometimes, the weight of their shared destiny is too much.

He knows he’s thinking too much. His thoughts are jumbled, spanning from the time he first stepped foot into Camelot to now. All the weight he’s been carrying is becoming too much and he feels like it’s drowning him but it’s not enough. It’s never enough. No matter how hard he tries.

He doesn’t even realize that he’s stopped making Arthur’s bed and is instead lying in it - curled up into a little ball with the linen clutched between his fingers - until Arthur walks into the room and shoves his shoulder.

“Stop being lazy, would you? Are you done with all your chores? Should I find more for you? Like mucking out my stables perhaps?”

Arthur’s voice is teasing and any other day he would laugh it off but today it grates against his nerves and he finds himself jerking upright, flying off the bed as his temper soars.

“You’re such an ungrateful pillock!” Merlin yells, poking his index finger into Arthur’s chest who in turn stares at him incredulously.

“What the hell did I do?” Arthur’s staring at him as though he’s an idiot and that look goads him even more.

“You-you’re ungrateful! Are you suddenly unable to understand anything? I do everything for you! I cater to all your whims and needs. I’m always by your side and I do my very best to protect you and make you happy and to make sure you’re taken care of and all you ever do is boss me around and yell at me and insult me!” Merlin continues to shout, pacing around Arthur’s chambers.

“What are you on about? Are you insane?” Arthur fumes, his eyes a stormy mix of grey and blue.

“No! I am so sick and tired of you acting like-like I’m disposable. Like anyone who doesn’t come from nobility isn’t worth anything!”

“When have I ever done that? Seriously Merlin, what the hell is wrong with you?”

“Nothing is wrong with me! When have I ever done that?” Merlin mocks. “Cedric. Do you remember him Arthur? He kissed your ass and licked your boots and suddenly he was the best person ever! You were so ready to give him my job and what happened? Oh right! He stole your keys so he could break into Sigan’s tomb! And what about when we suspected there was a traitor amongst us? Agravaine insisted it was Gaius so naturally it had to be him! Nevermind that Gaius has been taking care of you since you were born or that he’s the closest thing I have for a father! Let’s arrest him because Agravaine - your perfect saint of an uncle who undoubtedly loves you and does not have plans to kill you and steal the throne - says to!”

“Merlin! I suggest you stop speaking now before you say something you regret,” Arthur grounds out, his voice low with barely restrained anger.

“No! I will not shut up! I should’ve said these things to you years ago but I’m saying it now and you will listen or so help me-”

Merlin cuts himself off, taking a deep breath before he goes on. When he speaks, his voice is no longer loud and angry but instead it’s quiet and laced with hurt.“I told you that night. I told you not to kill Cearleon. You’ve been listening to my advice for years, you knew that killing him was wrong and yet you did. You were willing to start a war because of what your uncle advised you to do. Why is that? Why was it so easy to dismiss what I had to say? Is it because I don’t share your noble blood? He’s your family so obviously he’s the only one that cares about you right? It’s not like anyone else loves you, it’s not like you’re the most important person to me. I clearly don’t have your best interest at heart but he does. Sometimes I think that you trust me but then other times I’m reminded of how untrue that is - how quick you are to dismiss me.”

“Oh you want to talk about trust?” Arthur bites out, eyes glazed over. “In all these years since I’ve known you, you’ve never not once ever tried to tell me that you have magic. Tell me Merlin, were you ever planning on telling me or was I meant to stay in the dark forever?”

Merlin’s blood freezes in his veins and he unconsciously takes a step back. There’s a buzzing in his ears and suddenly he can’t remember what he was saying. 

_ Arthur knows. I didn’t tell him and he knows. _

“I can’t do this anymore,” The words are out before he can process anything. “I have to go.”

He doesn’t wait for a response, his body moving on autopilot as he flees from the room, leaving Arthur in his wake.

The second the wooden doors slam after Merlin’s departure, he slumps against the table and holds his head in his hands, tugging at the strands as the fight leaves him and an empty feeling takes its place.

_ Did Merlin just quit? _

The thought suffocates him and a lump forms in his throat as he hears Merlin’s words over and over again. There’s a pressure building in his chest and his eyes are stinging because he’s angry and frustrated and hurt and he doesn’t know how the entire situation escalated so quickly. 

He roars, picking up the goblet on the table and throwing it against the wall. The sound reverberates in the empty room and it’s not enough. He grabs his sword and leaves, heading down to the courtyard where he can work through his feelings the only way he knows how. 

-

Merlin doesn’t attend to him that night. Arthur has someone send food up from the kitchen but then after a few hours he orders a servant to get rid of it. He has no appetite. 

He decides that Merlin is still angry and needs more time to cool off. He readies himself for bed, committing to having a civil conversation in the morning.

He’s awoken to the warmth of sun rays on his skin, the sounds of a bustling citadel and chirping birds mingling with loud knocking. He sits up in bed, realizing that Merlin didn’t come to wake him and it’s long past the hour he should’ve awoken at. 

“Come in!” He calls, realizing the relentless knocking is coming from his chamber doors. A maid enters, her head bowed as she quickly places his breakfast on the table.

“I’ve come to deliver your breakfast, my lord. Is there anything else needed?” 

“No, thank you. You’re dismissed,” He gets out, watching as she curtseys before turning on her heels and leaving.

Did Merlin really quit? Or does he still need more time?   
  


He quickly dresses himself, ignoring the food in favour of making his way to Gauis’ chambers. He lets himself in, finding the room empty. He assumes Gauis is out making his rounds so he makes his way to Merlin’s tiny room, pushing the door open without knocking.

He finds Merlin seated on his bed, his arms wrapped around his knees which are pulled up to his chest. He’s staring unseeingly in front of him but his eyes drift upwards as the door opens. Arthur’s heart aches at how forlorn he looks. His skin in pale, lilac bruises under red-rimmed eyes indicating a sleepless night.

“Arthur,” He mumbles, voice hoarse as he swallows roughly.

“I thought you quit!” Arthur blurts out then presses his lips together. “Wait no, that’s not what I meant to say.”

He sighs, closing the door so he could lean against it. “I had time to think about everything you said yesterday and I have to apologize. I’m terribly sorry. I do treat you unfairly - I guess I treat you like you’re disposable because I know you’re not.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” Merlin frowns but he’s not angry so Arthur takes it as a sign to continue.

“Doesn’t it?” He smiles wryly. “I know that you’d never leave me. You’re incredibly loyal Merlin, especially to me. I learned from quite early that it doesn’t matter what I do or how I treat you, you’ll always be there. For me. And it’s not because you don’t have a choice, is it? You choose to stay. To - to stay, with me. By my side. I know it’s horrible of me but I genuinely didn’t realize the way I’ve been making you feel. I thought you knew that -”

“That what?” Merlin asks cautiously when Arthur trails off.

“I thought you knew that you’re my best friend. You mean the most to me Merlin and I can’t bear the thought of losing you. Not Agravaine or anyone else. You.”

Merlin opens his mouth to say something but Arthur raises a hand, effectively cutting him off.

“Before you say anything, there’s some things I’d like to clear up.” He waits for Merlin to nod before he speaks. 

“Firstly, the Cedric thing. I was young and stupid but I never had any intention of giving him your job. I thought it was amusing how wound up you were getting over him, especially since you spent most of your time complaining about how much you didn’t want to be my manservant back then. It was meant to be a joke and I’m sorry that I didn’t take your feelings into consideration. Secondly, Agravaine. I should’ve listened to you, Merlin. I knew that when I was making the decision and I know that now. You’re right. You’ve always done everything to protect me and to make me happy. You’ve taken care of me in a way that no one else has ever done. Moreso, you’ve always made me feel loved and it was never because I was royalty or anything like that. You always saw me, the realest version of me and yet still, you seemed to like that person and that’s something I’ll never be able to thank you enough for. It means more to me than I’ll ever be able to say. My uncle on the other hand, he’s not been around for most of my life. And you’re right about him being my last remaining family. I wanted so bad to hold on to that because I lost my parents and I lost Morgana - I couldn’t lose him too. I wanted to prove myself worthy to him, I wanted to earn his love and respect so I listened to him when I shouldn’t have. I’ve been foolish and I’ve made mistakes and I regret them. Lastly, I’m sorry that I threw your magic into your face like that. I understand why you didn’t tell me and I know it isn’t because of a lack of trust. I was just angry.”

“May I speak now?” Merlin questions rhetorically after a bout of silence, blue eyes fond as they stare at Arthur. Arthur nods and Merlin extends his hand, palm facing upwards for Arthur to take and dragging him down to sit opposite him when he does.

“Thank you for saying all that. It means a lot. For the record, I do know that you care about me. I swear I do. Things have just been really rough lately and I wasn’t in the best of moods and I took it out on you and I’m sorry about that. Some of the other things though, they really were bothering me and I’m glad they’re out in the open for now. As for the magic, I’ve wanted to tell you for the longest time, Arthur, you have no idea. Even back then but I couldn’t. At first it was because of the ban but then I knew you wouldn’t send me to die so I kept it a secret because I didn’t want you to have to choose between me and your father. And now that he’s gone, I still couldn’t tell you because I was afraid that you would hate me and I couldn’t bear losing you.”

They’re hands are still connected and Merlin’s free hand is clutching the fabric of Arthur’s tunic as he struggles to keep his volatile emotions under control. Arthur must see the struggle on his face because he draws Merlin to his chest, holding him tightly as his body trembles.

“It’s okay Merlin, you don’t have to hold it in anymore. You’re not alone, okay? I’m here, I’ve got you,” He comforts and Merlin finally breaks, loud sobs filling the room as Arthur continues to stroke the skin under his nightshirt gently.

“I’m sorry,” Merlin mutters after a while, pulling back and wiping his face. 

“I think we’ve apologized enough for today, don’t you?” 

Merlin smiles, softly and filled with unbridled affection. “By the way, about what you said earlier-”

“I’ve said a lot of things,” Arthur teases, pleased to see that the light is returning to Merlin’s eyes. 

“As I was saying,” Merlin says pointedly. “I’d never actually quit. I wouldn’t ever leave you, Arthur, I couldn’t if I tried. So, you don’t have to worry about that. I was just being dramatic.”

Arthur’s lips quirk at Merlin’s attempt of levity as he feels a surge of warmth pool in his stomach and spread through his entire body. 

“Merlin,” He begins tentatively, his hand squeezing Merlin’s. “You said that I was the most important person to you. That-that you loved me.”

“Yes,” Merlin agrees. “And you said that you cared about me the most.”

“Right, well, was that-” Arthur’s struggling to find the words to convey his thoughts so naturally Merlin decides to make his life a bit simpler. He leans forward slowly, the hand not in Arthur’s coming up to cup his jaw. He brushes his lips chastely against Arthur’s and when he isn’t met with any resistance, he closes his eyes and presses their lips together more firmly. Arthur’s arm wraps around his waist, pulling him closer as he deepens the kiss.

Eventually Merlin pulls back. “I still hate your uncle and think he’s a traitor.”

Arthur huffs a laugh against Merlin’s lips. 

“I’ll look into him,” He promises, pressing a kiss to the corner of Merlin’s mouth, making his way down to his jaw.

“Good. Also-”

“Merlin. I promise we’ll talk about everything later. For now, I’d like to kiss you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to request a fic!


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